○ lapis . lazuli ○

Moody talk

It’s 22 December and I don’t feel anything like holiday or new year at all. I’ve been trying not to tell people that ‘I’m so depressed’ but I can’t stand it any longer by myself. There’re 2 things I really want to yell at anyone I meet:

1. I DON’T WANT TO STAY HERE ANYMORE!

2. I Want to go home.

The second thing I’m going to do it in next couple days. I’m supposed to be excited or at least happy about that BUT depression is all I can feel. Everyday I cry, feel empty and upset. Reasons? It’s boring here (for me); I don’t have a life: no friends, no family, no community and homeless. It’s not about the house where I live, it’s about a place I feel pleased when I come home. Living oversea is tough, it’s even harder for an introvert international student. Can I ever make friends without talking too much or drinking a lot in a party? I’m a quiet girl who has problem to express her emotions. I can’t enjoy any company, I need the right ones.

Maybe I’m autistic or someone could say I’m a hateful person. It’s so hard for me to enjoy most of things happening now. I started to be grumpy more often and when I’m not grumpy I feel down. So bad I am unhappy and unhealthy. Many bad dreams at night, rarely sleep in peace.

Something wrong is messing up my life, anyone could tell me how to make it better?!! I’m so freaking sick of the term “Try harder”, I don’t even know where to start. Do people realize that I’m missing a whole chapter? I feel really lost because there’s nobody could sympathize with me…even my partner. Yes, it’s you!

I’m lonely no matter how many people around me. People speak English in New Zealand. I can’t get used to lifestyle in this country, in someway it just brings me boredom. I miss people in my country, I miss many things and how things happen there. It’s just so different here, i’m disappointed.

How do I think it would make me happy? Living as who I am. I’m 21! I want to study art and feeling lucky, meet young people with fresh idea, hand out with like-minded friends and have a romantic love. Does it sound unrealistic for you? Then you must be too old to read my blog. My dream is even more crazy as well as my real person. It’s so damn frustrated watching your spring days passing while you stuck on what-you-have-to-do and not happy. It’s scary how you feel you’ve changed after a while, becoming one of those have-to-do-but-not-enjoy people. It’s life, I reckon.

Hey, my soul is miserable because I can’t find any food to feed it. I’m not sure what could make me live happily but there’s one thing I know is my mental sence is getting worse.